Portland, Trying to Find a Foothold

I sit here in a poorly lit pub in Portland, Oregon. I am sipping an Old Fashioned made from scratch while waiting for my Happy Hour appetizers. I am attempting to be productive while I wait for my boyfriend to get out of class. I am scouring craigslist for jobs, since the job I had I lost, like a child looses his bad report card or a politician looses incriminating documents. I hated my job and it turns out they didn't think I was very "good" at it either.

Bob Marley is singing about something of meaning overhead but his thick accent prevents me from recognizing what he is actually saying. Nevertheless he has inspired my thoughts to wander to the ends of possibility and down the avenues of my mind. Unfortunately for my meditations, as they begin to travel trough my consciousness they are accompanied by my fears and doubts. I find it hard to appreciate my current atmosphere and my musical guest Bob. I begin to munch on my Cajun tots but my stomach churns. My snack is now accompanied by images playing in my mind like a horror movie played on the big screen. I can see myself running out of money, having to break my lease, never finding a job, and living on the streets because I don't even have enough money to even leave the city.

Whew, this sort of defeatist attitude calls for a drink...now that's better. Shit, it turns out garlicky hummus and an Old Fashioned do not go well together. Ugh! It's at times like this I typically beg for divine assistance. HELP! Just a break, a little break so that I can put my suspicions to rest. I want to know that following my heart wasn't the wrong move. I want to know the hope that comes from unexpected successes, or "beginner's luck" as the author Paulo Coelho label's it. I want to agree with the faith of my friends and family who watched me embark on this journey with joy and assurance.

It seems that the "real world," or the world of daily decision and chaos is not as friendly as the world of good intentions and zealous daydreams...or is it? Tomorrow holds a whole new set of circumstance that could lead to my best case scenario, or my worst. But until tomorrow I will sit here in this dim ambiance with garlic breath that offends my drink of choice and misgivings that upset my stomach and resolve. Till tomorrow, CHEERS!

No! Sue You!

I have been away from my posts. Surprise. Surprise. This time I have a fairly legitimate reason. I am suing the crap out of "the man." Actually Public Storage, GEICO, and the individual that thought it would be cute to cause an automobile accident that totalled my vehicle and jacked up my back. Thus my free time has been dedicated to gathering paperwork, filing paperwork, filling out paperwork, etc..

I have been learning in the process a few things that I will share with you now:

1. Apparently it is really hard for people/corporations just to do the right thing. I am finding that the Golden Rule and just plain common courtesy are being avoided at all costs by most especially when money is involved. Yeah capitalism!

2. It is not easy to be an individual who is without legal training to hold people accountable for doing the wrong thing. The processes, paperwork, and general bullshit that accompanies theses matters I believe is designed with the intent to frustrate people enough that they simply throw in the towel. I have spent hours and days working trying to decode legalese into plain English. I have spent money, time, and mileage driving here and there to mail, file, and fight.

3. I am one tough son-of-a-gun...until I am not. It has been a constant battle to just work up the motivation to jump through the hoops. When I have that motivation however, there is no stopping me! I am like an angry caged beast all hopped up on amphetamines! Then when I am not I become an abused malnourished creature, exhausted, and fighting a bout of mange.

I will be successful! Hopefully when all is said and done I will find that it was worth all the time, effort and frustration. Wish me luck!

This Day

Today was a day. It was a fairly long day. It was a draining day. It was a good day. I am emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually spent. I had illusions of grandeur concerning my daily post but as this day progressed I was less and less optimistic.

My day began at 3:30am when a bout of insomnia kicked in. I attempted to cure my sleeplessness with some warm milk and honey. This did little to lull me into any state of rest. I then decided to read in an attempt to focus my thoughts on something other than my anxiety. I picked up a book that I received from a friend as a gift in my earlier years "in the faith" (Christianity). It happened to be the closest book to my bedside. Unfortunately, however I found that this was a terrible idea. Instead of distracting me it increased my worries. The ambiguity that was left concerning our actions in relation to God's wrath appealed to the irrational side of my spirituality. I have been taught in my religious experience overtly and covertly to be in a constant fear concerning my actions in relation to "God's will." I have managed to remove myself from this unhealthy thought pattern in recent years but the author and my overly analytical brain joined forces with my insomnia to keep me awake for about an hour more.

Two hours later, I am dragging myself out of bed, with some coaxing from my roommate to go to the gym. I am still uneasy from my reading. I am crabby because I am sleep deprived. I am NOT a morning person so my roommate and I have learned to remain silent in the car on the drive to the YMCA. 2.5 hours later we were exhausted but we returned home to cook a fantastic breakfast of jalapeno, spinach, and mozzarella eggs, with toast and yogurt on the side. Mmmmmm.

After a quick shower I spent another 2.5 hours of my day filling out legal paperwork I am just now receiving from my lawyer for a lawsuit I began over a year ago. In that time I completed 5 of 29 questions in the first section of paperwork. Why can't they make it a little less convoluted? I guess it is so they can continue to charge an exorbitant amount to hire a lawyer.

When I could no longer stand to suffer through documents I called my boyfriend. (*Sigh here) It was like taking in a breath of fresh air. We discussed everything that had occurred since 3:30. Actually, I just talked, a lot. He listened. When I was finished this angel of a man reached inside the turbulent sea of my soul and attached an anchor to my emotions. I felt peace. Until I remembered I had to go to work but I still felt significantly better than I had earlier in the day.

Work was work. With my new perspective however, I was quite elated regardless of my circumstance. On top of my great mood I had great tables. What I mean by "having great tables" for those of you who are not, will not, or have not been in the service industry is that all of the guests that I waited on were awesome! My last table of guests that I served this evening even engaged me in a discussion about sociology, religion, philosophy, economics, and a bit of psychology. It was quite a treat! They also tipped really well.

Life surprised me today. Through trials, discomfort, and hard work I was really blessed by the people around me. In a world where there are so many reasons to distrust people, to fear, and to lose faith particularly in humanity, sometimes I have days like today that proves the cynic in me wrong. Good night to you all.

Mercy and Justice

I was going to blog about finances today. Then life happened. I instead would like to discuss Mercy and Justice and what I am learning about both.

I have spent a significant amount of time over the past couple days pursuing justice. In self righteous elation I've imagined myself as a modern day Robin Hood, hero of the impoverished masses, taking back from the wealthy corporations what was unjustly taken from poor individuals like myself. I have spent time, money, energy, and effort to see that these giants are not allowed to bully me. I am also hopeful that my pursuits for personal justice will send a message to big business that there are consequences for their actions. I want them to know that no matter how much money they've put into building impenetrable fortresses of legalese and creatively masked dishonesty there are always ways to bring down even the strongest defenses. I also want to prove to individuals that they don't have to be a victim of circumstance but that they can choose to be the hero. Just like the character V says in V for Vendetta concerning people not fearing their government, I believe we should not be pushed around by businesses that were created by individuals for our benefit but rather we should dictate the way they serve and interact with us. Without customers there would be no business, just like without citizens there would be no government.

I remember feeling proud walking into the courthouse knowing that my mission was a righteous one. I felt justified when I filed the paperwork to sue Public Storage in small claims court. I fantasized about appearing before the judge and stating my case with confidence and eloquence. I felt empowered when I wrote the letter to Bank of America requesting reimbursement for charges I was unaware were being made to my account. I was intoxicated on justification on my drive to the post office to mail my letters. That inebriation must have been the reason why I hit a parked car when I was turning into the parking lot. My initial reaction, being hopped up on piety was to blame the man who was in the parked car for the accident. A virtuous individual such as myself could not be the cause of any detriment in the world, after all I am working so hard to be the solution to the world's woes.

I parked and hoped out of my car with zeal and determination, and a little hesitation caused by my uncertainty. "How did this happen?" I asked the man who was looking at his scraped bumper, mostly expecting him to tell me that he had pulled out and hit me. "Did you pull out?" I asked him since he did not answer my first inquiry much to my egotistical frustration. He then lifted his calm face and approached me. "No you hit me when you were pulling into the lot. I think you just cut the turn a little short." My stomach dropped along with my resolve and my spine. " I am so sorry." I replied, "I can't believe I did that. I am so sorry." Then this angel of a man did something I would have never expected. He told me not to worry about it. He said he was going to repaint the car anyway and that the damage wasn't too severe so we didn't need to file a claim. In disbelief I questioned his confidence multiple times but his resolve was firm. I told him I wanted to give him a hug and blabbered on with some thanks and apologies to which he simply replied no worries and he walked away. I never even got his name.

I walked into the post office with my letters in shame. There were about a dozen people on the other side of the street eating at the hot dog stand who had witnessed my folly and his mercy. I could feel their glances burning my pride, as hot as the day burning my skin. I mailed the letters and returned home,driving with the utmost caution and awareness.

Now here I sit at my computer totally confused. This man did not know how much his mercy meant to me. I have been pinching pennies, trying to save up to move across the country next month. I would not have been able to afford the $500 deductible or the increase in my premium. He did not have to be merciful. The damage really was more than could be covered by a layer of paint and yet he let me off the hook. I am reminded of what a beautiful gift mercy is for someone to give away. I also remember how harsh justice can be on the guilty party. My soul is vexed.

In the past I have been merciful. I have turned the other cheek and for that I suffered, or perhaps it was my pride that suffered. I wonder now about lenience particularly in the context of business transactions. Is it unmerciful to hold someone or some entity accountable to their word? Is there some middle ground where corrupt practices are not permitted but there is still room for mistakes? Is there a way to stand up for myself and still turn the other cheek? Can I completely forgive and prevent inequity? It seems to be a slippery slope to climb to the heights of judgement where I decide what is right and wrong or where I conceive the proper punishment for the actions of another. At the same time I believe we are responsible for our actions. I also believe we are socially responsible for the actions of others as well. What is the appropriate action? Should we pursue justice or mercy? Is there a way to pursue both?

I don't have any answers. I do know that the juxtaposition of the current events in my life have created humbling perplexity. Perhaps that is the key, being humbly aware of one's own ignorance concerning ideas like justice and mercy. Perhaps it is in the ambiguity that we get the opportunity to see the true infinite nature of both without human limitations. Perhaps I am just full of it. Of one thing however I am sure, this confusing experience has revived a childlike state of wonder about the world around me. I remember how much more fun it is not to have all the answers but to explore every day a new adventure in this experience called life.

Learning

Here I sit extremely sunburned with an orange, a vitamin water, and a whiskey diluted with flat coke on a Monday after midnight. *Side note: "Monday after midnight" would be a great name for a band. It would be better than the name of the band that I served tonight at Batter'd...I'm just saying. Plus the alliteration gives it a certain je ne sais quoi.* I am an odd duck for sure. I am attempting to decompress from the past few days. I have had a very eventful weekend the details of which I will not bore you with at this time. Let me just say that it was the best of times and the worst of times (I may have borrowed that line). I did begin to write a blog on Saturday only to get interrupted by a surprise visit from my uncle and my cousin. I will post that soon but tonight as I sit in my dining room with my head swimming with booze and thought I simply want to blog about what I am learning about me. I know what you're thinking, "WTF? Why do I want to hear about her personal revelations?" I answer you with this, "Because I am AWESOME!"

First, I would like to note that having this blog has been a really great tool to help me learn more about myself and how I operate. I realized very early on that despite my best of intentions I do not like routine, thus I don't blog every day. I also realized that I like to work really hard for a short period of time so that I can relax and enjoy myself for a long period of time, thus my blogs tend to be longer or attempt to tackle a lot in one post and they occur infrequently. I have learned that I really am an inconsistent perfectionist. I will write and revise, and then write and revise, just to write and revise some more until I am so overwhelmed with the revisions and writing that I just post something completely different unrevised and it usually is not as quality. Then I learned that I get distracted easily. It doesn't take much to drag me away from a project or task particularly if there is not a definite goal or an external pressure. This also explains the inconsistency of my posts. *Side note: BTW the orange is finished now, wrapped in the pure white grace of the paper towel. I have now moved on to stale tortilla chips.* Finally, I have learned that I have the ability to justify anything. I can see most if not all sides of an argument. I can work the angles. Sometimes I use this power for good and other times I use it for evil. This not only explains how sporadic my blogging has become it also explains this entire post.

The letter F

I did begin this post on the 6th day but I am posting it unfinished on the 9th. Once again life got in the way.

Today on the 6th day (9th day) of my 27th year I would like to salute the 6th letter of the alphabet, F. A noble letter, a consonant, and the first letter of my last name. It begins my favorite cuss word. It is enjoyable to say because of the way I get to purse my lips and force the air over my teeth, occasional creating a pocket of air under my upper lip causing it to rise and fall as the consonant sounds. Not to mention that we wouldn't have "fun" without F.

So the three F-words that I will be discussing are FEAR, FINANCES, and FREEDOM.

First we have FEAR.

*Side note: They say that only 90 some percent of what we worry about actually comes to pass. I have also heard that the more you worry about something the more likely you will draw that very thing into your path.*

I once wrote a song where I said that, "Fear's not real it's just the way that I feel when I wake up next to me." This morning at 5:30am I was reminded of this lyric as my heartbeat quickened and I tossed and turned in my bed. My head was filled with all of the worries that have been presently on my mind. They tumbled down rabbit holes of thought like Alice after she let curiosity get the better of her. I couldn't stop the gravitational pull of anxiety towards deeper depths of extremity and worst case scenarios. I could blame my inability to rationalize these irrational thought patterns on my exhaustion but in all honesty sometimes I let FEAR take hold of me, wrestle me to the ground, and leave me utterly defenseless as if I just went to blows with an internal UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship OR Unrealistic Fear Complex) heavyweight.

I mean heavyweight. The burden of FEAR has weighed me down. It has been an ever present foe. I have battled this monster for as long as I can remember. I grapple and strive for victory but I usually lose. I retreat to my comfort zones and areas of ease. At times it seems for every one step that I take towards the very thing that I feared FEAR would push me back two.

I became content to be the victim. I would surround myself with excuses to feel better about my general cowardice. But today I write to draw a line in the sand and tell FEAR today is the day that you lose. You lose today, and tomorrow, and the next day because I am sick and tired of being bullied by something that doesn't exist! Here is a list of the things that I once FEARed and that today I am making a conscious effort to FEAR no more.

Failure - I was raised to believe that failure was not acceptable. As a result I fashioned my life around only doing things where I was sure to succeed. I have taken very little risks and have very little to say for myself. I have particularly neglected to follow my dreams because of this particular fear.
Success - Since I had such a massive fear of failure I also feared success because the greater the success the greater the possible failure. I have aimed low so I would never miss the mark. Both of these acts of cowardice I despise.
Commitment - I never fully unpack boxes when I move to a new place. I attempt to always keep my options open. I try not to get attached so that it is easier to walk away. I have built an ivory tower that few if any can climb. I believe that this has caused unnecessary loneliness and restlessness in my life.
Being a burden - I deal with my own issues, I try not to bitch too much, and I run away from people when I am hurting. UNHEALTHY BEHAVIOR. We are social creatures and we need other people to survive. I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can share the weight with others because I am learning that they actually want to share it.
Drawing too much attention - I tend to attract attention. No matter how hard I try it is tough for me to not be noticed. This has caused a lot of tension between myself and unhealthy people. I began to view this aspect of my personality as something that was detrimental to others. I hated being the center of attention because not only are your flaws in plain view but I also feared the backlash of jealous or misunderstanding individuals. I am learning that I can never control the reactions of others to my behavior but I can be true to myself no matter what kind of reaction it causes.
Being selfish - The flaw of being human, selfishness. It is hard and at times even impossible to think outside of ourselves. This is also something that is to our greatest benefit ("Healer heal thy self") and to our greatest detriment ("Selfishness is a detestable vice which no one will forgive in others, and no one is without in himself"). In FEARing this I am FEARing my very nature. It is better to accept this as a part of my life experience and do my best not to worry about it's existence and not to succumb to it's negativity.

Those are all the biggies. I have plenty of other little fears like, getting my hair caught in a fan or breaking my wrists skiing. These generally pass and carry no real weight. It's the list above that I will focus on as I progress through the year. I will make deliberate efforts to conquer this beast by doing the things I once FEARed and finding that all the worry and fret was only a passing thought and nothing more.

Next post FINANCES...fun.

Day 4/5

*Please note that I did not post the following yesterday. Also please note Day 5's post at the bottom of the page.*

Today I am going to discuss my health goals. Unlike Mr. Twain, quoted in my first blog who believed, "The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." I believe that being healthy and making healthy choices can be a desirable alternative lifestyle. Through out the course of this year I want to make choices regarding my health that are not only beneficial but enjoyable.

Here are some of the things that I would like to focus on:

1. Drink less alcohol.
I have to be honest with myself here. I really, really like booze. I come from a long line of alcoholics, lushes, winos, and those who just like to "tear it up" on occasion. I am also a bit extreme, so choosing to swing to one extreme will inevitably create a backlash of epic proportions (reference New Years 20? where after 2 years of being sober driver I dove head first off the wagon and ran topless through an ex-boyfriend's good friend's backyard). Needless to say that completely abstaining from the stuff might create a hole in the universe or at least create a dangerous situation. Therefore my goal is moderation. I am going to limit getting rip-roaring drunk to special occasions. I am going to try not to drink every night of the week.

2. Regular exercise.
3-5 days 30+mins. That's what the doctor recommends and that is my goal. I wouldn't mind getting ripped either but this is my starting point.

3. No smoking.
Even as I type this one the addict in me has a little freak-out session. I have been smoking cigarettes "on occasion" for over a decade. It needs to stop. My grandfather died of lung cancer, enough said. Plus my number 2 goal is significantly harder when I am abusing my lungs.

4. Less coffee.
There are quite a few of my favorite people who may crucify me for even suggesting such a goal. Coffee is a polarizing subject to be sure. Here again I pursue moderation because when I pair my extreme love for this bold, black liquid with my extreme hatred for the tasteless, clear liquid we call water I maintain a consistently low level of hydration. This combination has also led to quite a few nasty hangovers that I will be glad to part with.

5. More water.
I bet you didn't see this one coming. This goal was just a good intention in the past and I failed to ever make it a reality. That is why, like many of the other good intentions I have had over the past 7 years I am going to put it in writing and make a deliberate decision to change. Bottoms up!

6. Organic.
Good for the environment and good for me!

7. Raw.
There are a lot of different opinions on this subject. Here is my opinion, eating more fruits and veggies can't be a bad for me.

8. Responsible meat.
In this world of Walmarts and McDonalds there has been an increase in hormone, pesticide rich processed meats in our diets. Also the treatment of animals has become shameful in this industry of consumption. Therefore I want to do something good for my body while simultaneously make a statement in the marketplace by choosing not to spend my money on food that I do not believe should be offered.

9. Read the label.
Here is my last food related goal. I want to be an informed consumer. I no longer want to simply purchase peanut M&Ms just because they are super tasty. I want to purchase yummy food that doesn't have harmful chemicals or additives. I particularly want to go after HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP aka THE DEVIL. We have an epidemic of obesity in this nation. Childhood diabetes has reached absurd proportions. Heart disease, cancer, high blood pressure all affected by what we eat. It is time to make choices that promote longevity as well as my current quality of life.

10. Take my vitamins.
Most of the advise my father gave me I immediately rejected, to my benefit but also to my detriment. "You taking your vitamins A?" he would ask. My response was always, "no." I realize now that I do not get the proper amount of nutrients in my diet. I also realize that I just don't eat enough in general to realistically get what I need from food alone. So I am admitting defeat Papa Fisher and saying, "Yes I can...take my daily vitamin."

*Day 5 post starts here*
Good morning irony and hypocrisy. I wrote day 4's post before I went to the Nashville Sounds' baseball game yesterday evening. It was there that I smoked a cigarette, ate a hot dog and part of a funnel cake, and drank excessive amounts of cheap beer. Needless to say that this morning I was a bit worse for the wear when my roommate woke me to go to the gym. The harsh reality of why I made those goals was hammered into every fiber of my being as I suffering through a very easy cardio session on the elliptical machine. I did have a great time last night but I am paying for it today. MODERATION. This is the word of the year and hopefully an extremist such as myself can commit to this. Time will tell. Let me know if you have any suggestions for successfully curbing unhealthy appetites or if you have a funny story about excess. Until next time, make good decisions people. I know I will be trying to do the same. Cheers!

Day 1 (or should I say day 3)

My name is Ashley. On June 28, 2010 I turned 27. Accepting my age was particularly difficult this year. After reflecting on my discomfort I realized that many of the expectations I had for my 20's left me in a state of disappointment and regret . Year after year as the numbers increased, my expectations and hopes decreased. Then in a moment of clarity the shroud of discontent lifted and I realized that I had to make strategic selections to bring about change in this pattern of frustration. This blog is dedicated to that journey of decision. My goal is that in the course of this year leading to my golden birthday, 28 I would document my life. My hope is that I will be able to be accountable to others and to myself, to provide information to educate others in their life choices, and to create an opportunity for reflection. I invite whoever reads this journal to participate with suggestions, criticisms, and encouragement.

Day 1:

The BEST birthday ever! This day was filled with friendship, reflection, music, and dancing. I went to bed in the wee hours on day 2 glowing with a sense of gratitude and contentment.

Day 2:

I overslept, missing my gym class and welcoming a slight hangover. After a therapy session with my close friend and hair stylist I felt better about my current state and the disappearance of my blond roots. *SIDE NOTE: I am a natural blond who decided this last February, much to the disapproval of all the good southern women at the JC Penny salon in Nashville, Tennessee that I would become a brunette.* I had a good night at work (Batter'd and Fried in East Nashville). Then I went to bed after a couple beers, completely forgetting my blog and my commitment to change.

DAY 3:

Here I am on day 3. I did sleep in again. I did consume an excessive amount of my birthday cheesecake that was lovingly made for me by my baking aficionado roommate Lauren. I did start my blog. I can see now that in reality a major life change may take some time to get off the ground if I am being realistic. I will celebrate the small victories like finally starting this blog and not consuming the entire cake. I will sign-off with this quote by a man who was kind of smart and stuff.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -Albert Einstein

See you all tomorrow...hopefully.