Mercy and Justice

I was going to blog about finances today. Then life happened. I instead would like to discuss Mercy and Justice and what I am learning about both.

I have spent a significant amount of time over the past couple days pursuing justice. In self righteous elation I've imagined myself as a modern day Robin Hood, hero of the impoverished masses, taking back from the wealthy corporations what was unjustly taken from poor individuals like myself. I have spent time, money, energy, and effort to see that these giants are not allowed to bully me. I am also hopeful that my pursuits for personal justice will send a message to big business that there are consequences for their actions. I want them to know that no matter how much money they've put into building impenetrable fortresses of legalese and creatively masked dishonesty there are always ways to bring down even the strongest defenses. I also want to prove to individuals that they don't have to be a victim of circumstance but that they can choose to be the hero. Just like the character V says in V for Vendetta concerning people not fearing their government, I believe we should not be pushed around by businesses that were created by individuals for our benefit but rather we should dictate the way they serve and interact with us. Without customers there would be no business, just like without citizens there would be no government.

I remember feeling proud walking into the courthouse knowing that my mission was a righteous one. I felt justified when I filed the paperwork to sue Public Storage in small claims court. I fantasized about appearing before the judge and stating my case with confidence and eloquence. I felt empowered when I wrote the letter to Bank of America requesting reimbursement for charges I was unaware were being made to my account. I was intoxicated on justification on my drive to the post office to mail my letters. That inebriation must have been the reason why I hit a parked car when I was turning into the parking lot. My initial reaction, being hopped up on piety was to blame the man who was in the parked car for the accident. A virtuous individual such as myself could not be the cause of any detriment in the world, after all I am working so hard to be the solution to the world's woes.

I parked and hoped out of my car with zeal and determination, and a little hesitation caused by my uncertainty. "How did this happen?" I asked the man who was looking at his scraped bumper, mostly expecting him to tell me that he had pulled out and hit me. "Did you pull out?" I asked him since he did not answer my first inquiry much to my egotistical frustration. He then lifted his calm face and approached me. "No you hit me when you were pulling into the lot. I think you just cut the turn a little short." My stomach dropped along with my resolve and my spine. " I am so sorry." I replied, "I can't believe I did that. I am so sorry." Then this angel of a man did something I would have never expected. He told me not to worry about it. He said he was going to repaint the car anyway and that the damage wasn't too severe so we didn't need to file a claim. In disbelief I questioned his confidence multiple times but his resolve was firm. I told him I wanted to give him a hug and blabbered on with some thanks and apologies to which he simply replied no worries and he walked away. I never even got his name.

I walked into the post office with my letters in shame. There were about a dozen people on the other side of the street eating at the hot dog stand who had witnessed my folly and his mercy. I could feel their glances burning my pride, as hot as the day burning my skin. I mailed the letters and returned home,driving with the utmost caution and awareness.

Now here I sit at my computer totally confused. This man did not know how much his mercy meant to me. I have been pinching pennies, trying to save up to move across the country next month. I would not have been able to afford the $500 deductible or the increase in my premium. He did not have to be merciful. The damage really was more than could be covered by a layer of paint and yet he let me off the hook. I am reminded of what a beautiful gift mercy is for someone to give away. I also remember how harsh justice can be on the guilty party. My soul is vexed.

In the past I have been merciful. I have turned the other cheek and for that I suffered, or perhaps it was my pride that suffered. I wonder now about lenience particularly in the context of business transactions. Is it unmerciful to hold someone or some entity accountable to their word? Is there some middle ground where corrupt practices are not permitted but there is still room for mistakes? Is there a way to stand up for myself and still turn the other cheek? Can I completely forgive and prevent inequity? It seems to be a slippery slope to climb to the heights of judgement where I decide what is right and wrong or where I conceive the proper punishment for the actions of another. At the same time I believe we are responsible for our actions. I also believe we are socially responsible for the actions of others as well. What is the appropriate action? Should we pursue justice or mercy? Is there a way to pursue both?

I don't have any answers. I do know that the juxtaposition of the current events in my life have created humbling perplexity. Perhaps that is the key, being humbly aware of one's own ignorance concerning ideas like justice and mercy. Perhaps it is in the ambiguity that we get the opportunity to see the true infinite nature of both without human limitations. Perhaps I am just full of it. Of one thing however I am sure, this confusing experience has revived a childlike state of wonder about the world around me. I remember how much more fun it is not to have all the answers but to explore every day a new adventure in this experience called life.