The letter F

I did begin this post on the 6th day but I am posting it unfinished on the 9th. Once again life got in the way.

Today on the 6th day (9th day) of my 27th year I would like to salute the 6th letter of the alphabet, F. A noble letter, a consonant, and the first letter of my last name. It begins my favorite cuss word. It is enjoyable to say because of the way I get to purse my lips and force the air over my teeth, occasional creating a pocket of air under my upper lip causing it to rise and fall as the consonant sounds. Not to mention that we wouldn't have "fun" without F.

So the three F-words that I will be discussing are FEAR, FINANCES, and FREEDOM.

First we have FEAR.

*Side note: They say that only 90 some percent of what we worry about actually comes to pass. I have also heard that the more you worry about something the more likely you will draw that very thing into your path.*

I once wrote a song where I said that, "Fear's not real it's just the way that I feel when I wake up next to me." This morning at 5:30am I was reminded of this lyric as my heartbeat quickened and I tossed and turned in my bed. My head was filled with all of the worries that have been presently on my mind. They tumbled down rabbit holes of thought like Alice after she let curiosity get the better of her. I couldn't stop the gravitational pull of anxiety towards deeper depths of extremity and worst case scenarios. I could blame my inability to rationalize these irrational thought patterns on my exhaustion but in all honesty sometimes I let FEAR take hold of me, wrestle me to the ground, and leave me utterly defenseless as if I just went to blows with an internal UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship OR Unrealistic Fear Complex) heavyweight.

I mean heavyweight. The burden of FEAR has weighed me down. It has been an ever present foe. I have battled this monster for as long as I can remember. I grapple and strive for victory but I usually lose. I retreat to my comfort zones and areas of ease. At times it seems for every one step that I take towards the very thing that I feared FEAR would push me back two.

I became content to be the victim. I would surround myself with excuses to feel better about my general cowardice. But today I write to draw a line in the sand and tell FEAR today is the day that you lose. You lose today, and tomorrow, and the next day because I am sick and tired of being bullied by something that doesn't exist! Here is a list of the things that I once FEARed and that today I am making a conscious effort to FEAR no more.

Failure - I was raised to believe that failure was not acceptable. As a result I fashioned my life around only doing things where I was sure to succeed. I have taken very little risks and have very little to say for myself. I have particularly neglected to follow my dreams because of this particular fear.
Success - Since I had such a massive fear of failure I also feared success because the greater the success the greater the possible failure. I have aimed low so I would never miss the mark. Both of these acts of cowardice I despise.
Commitment - I never fully unpack boxes when I move to a new place. I attempt to always keep my options open. I try not to get attached so that it is easier to walk away. I have built an ivory tower that few if any can climb. I believe that this has caused unnecessary loneliness and restlessness in my life.
Being a burden - I deal with my own issues, I try not to bitch too much, and I run away from people when I am hurting. UNHEALTHY BEHAVIOR. We are social creatures and we need other people to survive. I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can share the weight with others because I am learning that they actually want to share it.
Drawing too much attention - I tend to attract attention. No matter how hard I try it is tough for me to not be noticed. This has caused a lot of tension between myself and unhealthy people. I began to view this aspect of my personality as something that was detrimental to others. I hated being the center of attention because not only are your flaws in plain view but I also feared the backlash of jealous or misunderstanding individuals. I am learning that I can never control the reactions of others to my behavior but I can be true to myself no matter what kind of reaction it causes.
Being selfish - The flaw of being human, selfishness. It is hard and at times even impossible to think outside of ourselves. This is also something that is to our greatest benefit ("Healer heal thy self") and to our greatest detriment ("Selfishness is a detestable vice which no one will forgive in others, and no one is without in himself"). In FEARing this I am FEARing my very nature. It is better to accept this as a part of my life experience and do my best not to worry about it's existence and not to succumb to it's negativity.

Those are all the biggies. I have plenty of other little fears like, getting my hair caught in a fan or breaking my wrists skiing. These generally pass and carry no real weight. It's the list above that I will focus on as I progress through the year. I will make deliberate efforts to conquer this beast by doing the things I once FEARed and finding that all the worry and fret was only a passing thought and nothing more.

Next post FINANCES...fun.